Autism, brain injury, poem, SEN parenting

A Mother’s Guilt..

Have i made the right decisions?
Do you have the care you need?
Or indeed deserve.

Do your therapies make a difference?
Or are you missing out?
I just want to see you play.
Should it be more about your childhood,
Of your rehabilitation?

I fought for your medication.
But do the tablets help you?
Do they even touch the sides
Or reach their destination?

There it goes again
My fixation
On the jumbled neural maze
That your brain injury left behind!

I overcompensate I know
Just have to do the best by you
Frantically researching,
Self berating

You should be wearing pads
Is my goal too optimistic?
For your eventual continence
They say you’re quite Autistic

(Though such a spiky profile)
You don’t know when it’s coming.

Is your school place right for you?
I had to fight your case
To get you in there.
Now I wonder if they are caring enough for you?
Should you be exposed
To all that violence and aggression
From the other kids?
Rituals and obsession

You are not the same as them.

You need more one to one
To bring you back ‘in the room’
Special school has its trade offs.

But mainstream, you are not
We must avoid the general public
Should I keep you hidden?
Your noises, behaviours forbidden
By the jeering, disproving stares

The guilty, pointing fingers

Though it’s really only I
Who is to blame.